KOW-TOW

The school year’s come to an end, an end point I thought I’d never see, considering 2012 was supposed to be the end of the year. I’ve come a long way, and it’s safe to say I have since my best friend noticed I’ve grown up a bit. The year was filled with ups and downs—even getting to the point where I felt even more miserable away from home. I’ve never cried so much in my life. I’ve always bottled up my emotions, only conveying positive ones so no one would ever worry about me—the kid with big eyes, big smiles, and always laughing. Through the help of friends, I sought the help I needed to overcome the pain and depression I’ve been suffering for years. Like my therapist said, it’s gonna take years to undo the conditioning brought about from my past to restrain myself. My parents locked me up, but I decided to put more chains on me. I emotionally detached myself from most things; I run away from problems I can’t deal with. When I left home—a decision that was so hard to make because I’m afraid of change and uncertainty—the flood gates of emotions I locked away were freed. I was in a new environment dealing with a world on my own for the first time. There were many things I was worried about: not making any friends, doing poorly in school, etc. I over-think things too much. Even with the drama that came about through the year, I think I can say that my time at UVA was an overall good experience. I learned many things on my own and had a lot of firsts over there: my first kiss, getting drunk for the first time, etc. I never thought I’d find anyone that was interested in me, but somehow managed to find people who actually like-liked me. I think I’m slowly learning to learn I’m not an abomination like I think I am, or a failure. I still have a ways to go, but I think I’m on the right path. This year wouldn’t have been possible with the new and old friends I’ve made. I’m ready to kick-ass next year; I’ve reached the bottom, so I can only rise from here! Dark Phoenix has died, and here comes the Phoenix of the White Crown!



Alex: You know I’ve written so many things about you and vice versa. You’re my best friend and my brother. You’re the one person whose not blood, that I can say love. You’re the only guy to not have hurt me. You’ve always been there for me since the very beginning; I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner. I haven’t always been the best friend I should have been, but I’m thankful for you always sticking around. You’re always telling me advice and keeping it real, even if I want to punch you for it. We’re honest to each other to a tee; nothing is off limits for us. I’ve told you everything about my life and you have too. Thanks for always being my voice of reason, my shoulder to cry on in my darkest hours, and the brother I’ve always wanted. The years keep coming, but things don’t change between us. Even if others can’t see how we’re friends, it’s as clear as day and night to me—daytrotters and nightcreepers. PS: I’ll do anything to make sure you receive the happiness you deserve, and I’m glad I’ve been able to do something in the moment. Can’t wait to celebrate your belated b-day gift!

Ayanna: It’s funny like you said, we only met in the fall, but we became the closest of friends in one night studying in Clemons, and from that day on, we’ve only grown stronger. I was intimidated by you at first because I thought you were too cool; ironically, you though the same of me. Turns out we have so much in common and you understand me more than most people do…no matter how weird I am. INJF, we are guardians, less than 1% of the population. You’re one of the most unique people I’ve ever met—a true hipster indeed. I’m glad that you’re one of the people I can trust and turn to when I need help. Your advice really helps out. Thanks for always taking care of me, especially when I’m drunk. You’ve seen me cry so many times. I’m sorry seeing me in my vulnerable state made you cry. That’s the last thing I would want from you. Don’t worry about me, it’s my job to take care of everyone else. Thanks for buying me boba tea, those little acts of kindness go a long way with me.

Eclair: It’s funny how we became friends. Me laughing at you for always messing up the dance in Culturefest, and vice versa. Funny how you thought I was a dancer. Ever since then our friendship has grown stronger, with our Chinese Family and now we’re PAFN co-advisers. You’re always there for me when I need you. I’m sorry I don’t want to listen sometimes, especially when I fall deep into my depression. You’ve seen my entire journey basically during my first year. I can tell you anything, no matter how weird, and you understand. I remember when we talked for hours in Chem till 4 in the morn talking about whether or not we should run for OYFA council. I’m glad you went through with it. Our adventures in Rice will always be fond memories: from you screaming from that guy, to making music videos, getting food, etc. Sorry sometimes I can be too much too handle, but thanks for always having my back, and trying to make me think rationale.Thanks sis.

Lhousia: I remember the first day we met was during field day. We were wallflowers for sure. I’m glad you were in my family. Surprisingly you were from the beach too! One of the first things we talked about was about our past relationships; we have bad habits with boys. I’m glad that we can joke around but be serious at the same time. Thanks for always listening to me all the time. I’m glad that we formed our Chinese Family; it sucks that we’ve been so busy that we haven’t had time to reunite this past semester. Thanks for making sure I didn’t hook up with Brian; your ulterior motive really helped so I could feel him out. Also thanks for sending me your notes, you’ve helped me so much. It’s like you said, we have “connections” haha. I’m excited to see what the future entails for us.

Luc: My relationship with you is truly interesting. I really disliked you the many five times we’ve met. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves, forgetting my name, especially since it’s only two letters. Somewhere near the end of this past semester, we just clicked; we could talk about anything. It was fun messing with you. All the advice you’ve given me has helped, no matter if I didn’t want to hear it. Sorry for lying to you those couple times; I was trying to protect myself. Your the most honest person I’ve ever met; it’s borderline obnoxiously honest to genuinely caring. Thanks for giving me the time. It meant a lot that you said you enjoyed spending time with me because you said I was a good kid who needed guidance. Thanks for spending your days as a 4th year with me. Going to Cookout, Panera, Popeyes, McDonald’s, KFC, Monsoon and getting crepes was delicious. I’m gonna miss you Fried Chicken co-chair—packed memories in only a few weeks. I hope that I’ve finally made an impression on you and I wish you the best in Florida. I know you’ll be successful.

Rose: You’re one of the first friends I’ve made. I don’t remember if it was in PAFN or in OYFA. Irregardless you’ve been looking out for me since the beginning. It was fun messing with you, even though I toned it down a bit. You were my adopted big, and honestly, my favorite big. You were always there when I needed you, even when I didn’t. I can see you as a nurse in the future most definitely. You were the first person to see the affects of alcohol on me and see me in my most vulnerable form. I’m sorry you had to see that and sorry for making you cry. When this past semester started and I found out you weren’t gonna be here, I actually panicked. You were one of my guardians. I hope you’re doing swell back at home, and I can’t wait to go crabbing with you!

Anon: You were the 2nd person I fell for, and honestly I fell head over heels for you. I didn’t like you at first, so it’s ironic how I like-liked you, or in that stage in between like-like and love. You’re one of the most confident and outgoing people I’ve met. We had so much in common from food, to nerd stuff, etc. Our conversations about everything and nothing were great; I remember telling you how the creator of the lie detector was the same creator of Wonderwoman haha. I’ve enjoyed every moment we’ve shared. I’ll always associate getting McDonald’s breakfast with you and the time we barely made it! I’ll always be fond of the memories we’ve made. You understood me like no one else has cause you felt the same way I do. You didn’t judge me or see me as a failure. I started falling for you after noticing your soft hands haha. That’s the first sign I usually have—then your eyes. Thanks for taking care of me after I got drunk. I remember when you held my cheeks softly that morning and told me (it goes something like this), “I want you to know that there’s at least one person that cares about you and you don’t have to feel alone.” The one moment in my life where I truly didn’t feel alone and someone was actually there for me. I wanted this to work, but you have to understand the position you put me in: you weren’t “open” and the fact you were busy. We had a public and private life; it was especially hard since I saw you like everyday—that made it difficult. I think our definitions of an open relationship were different too. From what I wanted, I was gonna give you space, the aspect of seeing someone else was there, but I didn’t want it—all I knew is that I wanted to be with you. It was never truly “open”. At first it was working, but then something changed. You stopped talking to me in between the times we would see each other. I just needed to be reassured that I was there you know? Like the times we talked when we were friends; those made me happy—just talking to you and our small talk. I didn’t need to be with you all the time. The times when we were at events and you would say hi and hug other people and not say hi to me hurt so much; you have no idea. It felt like I was being a burden, and I’ve felt that way my entire life; I thought for the first time I wasn’t that to someone. I apologize for getting jealous though. Most of all, I’m sorry for our last conversation too. Those last words echo through my mind and haunt me still. I’m sure you know I’m not good with my emotions; I’m terribly sensitive. It felt like someone who was as important as you was walking out of my life. I know you do care about me, but it just felt like actions speak louder than words kind of thing—just as of late, it didn’t feel that you did care. This was both kind of our first real relationship. I was waiting for you to come after me after you talked to my best friend, but you never did like you told him. It really hurt that you didn’t. I wanted to actually cry when I saw you the nite before I left. I didn’t want to leave UVA like this. I still do care about you. I just don’t know what I would say to you in person cause I’m embarrassed of myself for how things ended. If we do or don’t talk anymore, I really do wish you the best. I’m proud of all the great things you’ve done already. I know you’ll be great!

I always forgive, but I never forget. I can honestly say I don’t hate anyone—maybe I’m incapable. You can only hate those that you loved, and dislike people you’ve liked. As far as I’ve learned, I can genuinely dislike someone with a passion, but I forgive them eventually because I try to forget what happened. At the same time though, I’ll probably never forget and things will never be the same. In most extreme cases, when someone has hurt me, I try to forget the person. I forgave them, but by the time I realize what I did was wrong, they’ve already forgotten about me. Yes, I know this is a flaw; I’ve been trying to fix this. Even my best friend is trying to make me stop thinking this way. My logic goes: if I forget someone has ever existed…maybe they’ll hate me, and if they hate me, they’ll want to forget me too. The things that go in my head are so convoluted from over-thinking things. People say I’m a good friend, a good person, but honestly I don’t know if I am if I’m willing to just “keep moving forward” without them. My standards are so high, people are always letting me down; I’m always getting hurt.
Another conundrum is the fact that I never forgive myself for the fact I can never forget. I’m too hard on myself. I’m always making wrong decisions—things that are easy for other people. My mentality is slowly getting better, but there’s always something I do wrong. I’ve made so many decisions I regret, but I keep telling myself to “keep moving forward.” The ghosts of the past are always haunting me. I’m a history major for a reason: the past is life. The difference that stops me from being a true historian is that I let the past consume me, and I don’t learn from my mistakes. The many times I’ve had deja vu, sigh. Forgiving and forgetting is complicated…I wish I could just let these qualms go without hesitation.

Although I come across as the nice, awkward, derpy, happy-go-lucky,  funny guy, it’s because it’s how I learned to cope with things. I lost access to my “negative emotions.” I’ve lost a handful of friends because I don’t know how to react. I locked away these emotions growing up because it was a defense against my parents. Anything I did was a shame or was intolerable, with me always ending up a failure, so I learned to numb my emotions and isolate myself. I remember in kindergarten, some kid was messing with me so I elbowed him without thinking; it was the last time I acted upon what I felt. Seeing me in middle school and now, you wouldn’t recognize the same kid. I was a loner, and for the most part, emotionally numb. I was like a robot. I chose this path because I couldn’t stand the pain that feelings came with. I didn’t make my first “real” friends till high school because I wouldn’t let down my barriers. What I’ve been doing has been a work-in-progress. The therapy I went through this year has been helping me  access to these lost emotions. I have become a bit better at confronting my problems, but I still can’t seem to handle these emotions. I rather forget and runaway then solve the matters at hand. Only twice in my life have I reached a state where I became totally emotionally numb; past the point of being sad and upset, to a point where I don’t know what to do or think. I have never once blown up or yelled at anyone, not because I don’t want to, but because I am incapable. I am a little boy still. I still have a lot of growing to do. Leaving home was a start, it let the floodgate of emotions I locked away free. I was not longer under control of my parents, I was a place where I could learn to be myself. People see me as someone whose a good kid and a great person, but it’s something I don’t see—or at least it’s not clairvoyant. I’m still learning to love myself. I’ve been beaten down my entire life—verbally and physically—so I can’t take compliments very well or shake of this feeling of being a failure. The struggle continues to figure out who I am, and unlock my true potential; I have to learn who I am. I don’t want anybody to worry about me either. That’s the last thing I want. I made it my job to care for others. A foil character to me has been Raven from the Teen Titans. I’ve know what it feels like to always feel alone—I still do—but I’m trying to let others in. Empathy has always been my strong suit. With someone who has as much heart as me and the support of the people I hold dear, I’ll become the person I know I’m destined to be eventually—step by step.