KOW-TOW

Today was my first therapeutic/psychiatric appointment or well, this was an in-take. My big was there to support me like she has been since I revealed to her basically all my layers—thanks alcohol -___-  I’ve never shown anyone my true self because I keep things to myself and so people don’t worry about me but also the fact that I know others have it worse than me so I can’t complain. I was nervous going in because it’s not an easy thing for me to talk about. My doctor-in-training’s name is Kelly—she’s nice. Basically I spilled everything to her: my entire life story, my analysis of who I am, and the deep depression and pain I’ve been suffering from (I’ll leave the nitty gritty stuff to the people who know), all in an hour. My eyes were watery talking about all these sensitive things, but it was also relieving sharing this burden I have and someone sorta understanding where I’m coming from. I’ve yet to hear her analysis of what she thinks of me. I just want to leave this road to perdition and find tranquility within me and everything around me.

Next appointment 12/11/12 at 2PM

Sometimes I wonder if I am pansexual. I know I like guys for sure, but then there are times that I feel like I like girls too. Looks are a factor, but personality is the biggest thing I seek. I have schoolboy crushes—this weird fuzzy feeling in my stomach—on girls now and then, but I don’t think anything is capable of coming out of a relationship with a girl. There’s a lack of physical connection. I’ve had these feelings for a couple of girls, but I never went through with it because I didn’t want to lead them on and hurt them. I’m a little bi-curious to say the least. I kind of want to know what it’s like to be on the other side. So confusing. Maybe then I could put all these inhibitions to rest.

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The day was Saturday. My eyes were still red from crying all nite—I could still feel the sadness. I forced myself out of bed to go to Culturefest. From what happened the day earlier, I was too embarrassed to go back and dance in all honesty, but I made an obligation to go. I came a bit late but everyone seemed fine with it. People were asking me if I was okay and giving me hugs…which well was a bad idea, cause I was very emotional still and it fanned the flames, causing me to tear up—thanks for caring though guys, I appreciate it. Eventually it was time to dance, and I forgot how fast time flies on stage. For the most part I thought the dances were a success. After that I met up with my big. She was basically my parent for the day since no one came to see me. Went to get dumplings with Anessa’s family right after, and then headed towards the reception. I met up with big again, and we bounced to the Tom Tom block party…which sucked. One thing I did learn though was that apparently old elephants tell good stories, so big says haha. We went to Starbucks and then walked and talked and split ways. We’re alike and not at the same time, it makes for odd conversations. She’s taught me a lot about love though since she knows the pain I’ve felt. I attempted to continue working on my paper which failed drastically.

Unnecessary drama tends to find a way to gravitate towards me…I’m getting sick of it. I’m getting sick of everything. The difference between home and here is stagnation and mutability. I’m starting to think stagnation was the lesser evil. I feel so out of place and uncomfortable.

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Fact: I make things a bigger deal than they really are. Firsts are meant to be broken. After the first, it’s nothing more than another number. I put a sentimental value on everything, and it slows down my progress in life significantly. I must start thinking less like every first I do is so important. The only thing that’s important is the last…

Day 2: Still no fb and still working on this paper. I have yet to make any significant progress. I think my research phase is about done. I’m starting to feel the withdrawal haha. Just gotta hurry up and finish it. I’m gonna stay up all nite if I have too. Plus my big is supposed to bring me Cookout—first time trying it!

Today was a pretty busy day of studying and eating and dance. I’m never getting honeydew boba tea from Berry Berry again…it doesn’t taste like it does back home, but then again I had it in slush form last time. I’m starting to get sad that I just can’t seem to get the dances down—the modern ones that is, traditional is fine. I have awkward body motions and terrible muscle memory, hence why I don’t really play sports or do too much physical activity other than run. I’m trying really hard, but maybe it’s not my best. I just wish I had more time or had at least learned the foundations. I guess I can only hope for the best :/

I feel like I’m always getting placed into awkward situations. I should have the show “Awkward”…not Jenna Hamilton -_____- Being that I never truly have homeostasis from an already imbalance of internal quirky awkwardness, any other form of external awkwardness causes an influx and supersaturates my homeostasis, causing a severe shutdown of my system (hopefully this all makes sense).

Day 1: Today I have lost access to Facebook, seeing to it that my friend changed my password so I can get work done. I’ve been to the library almost everyday. I’m going to finish this paper on Han Confucianism before Friday! (I won’t get the new password till I finish this paper.) Unfortunately, my plan seems to have backfired seeing that I’m spending more time on Tumblr to compensate. I might need to get all my passwords changed, bleghh. I need to learn better self-control, proper motivation, and just prioritizing in general.