1. Rebound Hookups

    So this past weekend was Midsummers. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much out of it; I didn’t even know if I wanted to drink. All I knew was that I was gonna go with the flow. I sorta wanted to kiss someone. As I always say though, “Amazing uncanny shit always happens when I’m drunk.” It’s safe to say, it’s true. So it all began Friday nite: the pre-game at Christine’s. I remember early on in the nite, Connie was telling me about how a friend of hers wanted to introduce me to someone. Turns out this friend was Stephanie Tso (who I just met that nite) and her friend was the guy who arrived with her—I didn’t know at the time he was the guy Connie was talking about. He wasn’t really my type, but I thought he looked okay. He looked too filipino…and too gay. I told Eclair—before knowing that was the guy—that I was gonna kiss him by the end of the nite. I sorta was joking, but Eclair and Stephanie kept trying to push us together—thank goodness for Richard’s cock-blocking! Eventually with more “liquid confidence,” I became loose enough to talk to him later at 1815. We talked about the shit we’ve been through. Apparently he’s the treasurer of FCA at GMU (always someone in a power position/treasurer sigh). Somewhere along the lines when we made eye contact, I moved in for a kiss. Not really sure why I did it though; I’m surprised I took the initiative.Throughout the nite, I counted a total of 5 kisses, with only one actually being more than a peck. I kept pulling back because I didn’t feel anything; it was like kissing a girl. Was it because I didn’t like him? Was it because I had someone else on my mind? Or was it because something else? My reasoning behind this conundrum was because I associate kissing to have a significance. I feel like I’d only feel anything if that person actually meant something to me. I barely knew this guy. It just felt nice that our lips touched, nothing more. I’m not really sure what I’m saying. What came out positively from this nite though was that this was the first time I kissed someone in public: Eclair, Connie, and Stephanie were all witnesses. It felt like I was free. So in the end, I’m not really sure if I can just hookup with people. Maybe I have to find a guy somewhat attractive? But as usual, I’ll just go with the flow. I’m tired of always caring about everyone else. I want someone who genuinely cares about me and will treat me like a prince in a sense. I’m still on the hunt for my ever elusive Prince Charming.

    Kissed 3 guys total…still no cigar, but hopefully the 3rd guy I date will finally be the right one: third time’s a charm!
     

  2. Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.

    One word: Eudomonia.

     

  3. Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

    "The loneliest people are the kindest, The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do."

    I start off with this quote because it describes me and my situation well. This leads into my depression; I suffer from dysthymia. The problem with it is that it’s long-lasting and certain events will trigger intense feelings and renew itself. It varies at times on it’s extremity, but it has persisted for years. I don’t complain about my life because I know that there are people worse off out there…but if you heard my story and knew how I am, then you’d probably understand why I am the way I am. When I’ve told people about it, they’re surprised because it’s the exact opposite of what I try to portray on the outside: this dapper, quirky, funny, happy-go-lucky guy…and they cry; they cry because of what goes on in my head. These thoughts I have are terribly morbid, and I don’t like these thoughts. I could go on and on about these thoughts, but you can guess what they’re about. Ever since seeing a psychiatrist, things have gotten better; I was even on meds for a short time. These thoughts have subsided for the most part right now. They always linger though somewhere in my head. All I can say is that I am a fighter—even if I may not look like it. I have one of the strongest wills I know. Don’t worry about me. This is my battle with my own demons that I won’t lose. All I can say is thanks for the my friends and family that lent shoulder to lean on.

     

  4. Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

    To be honest, I can hardly imagine where I’ll be in 10 years; by that time, I’ll be 30! All I can think about when you reach your 30s are that the fun times are over and you’ve settled down already. So I guess what I’m saying is that in 10 years, I want to be settled into my life. I plan on being married and having a family already with 1-2 kids. We’d live in a nice home in the suburbs, either in VA Beach or somewhere in California—I need to be near the water. I’d be working as a physician’s assistant or any career that makes me feel like I’m doing something important and making a difference. I’d still be having adventures whether it be with friends or family—especially now that I’d have the money. Forgot to mention that I would still have strong relationships with the people that have mattered; I have a general idea who I’ll still be friends with for the remainder of my days. Overall, I expect my life to be filled with happiness, and I finally have learned to be happy with everything and being grateful for the life I’ve lived so far—too feel content with myself and my accomplishments.

     

  5. This Weekend

    Even though I just left home a week ago, going back there this weekend made me realize how much I missed it…or at least the aspect of keeping myself busy to distract me from my current thoughts. First of all, I’m proud of all 3 of my cousins for graduating high school (and going to VCU, ODU, UVA respectively), even though I was only able to attend one of their graduations. Watching the ceremony made me tear up a bit because it reminded me of my high school memories, albeit I only graduated 3 years ago, but it goes to show you, time flies. To describe this weekend in a couple words: family, food, and Warcraft. That equation always makes for a good time. Also for the first time in a long time, my auntie who raised me and was my favorite one, finally acknowledged me. She hasn’t really looked me in the eyes since I came out…or well till my mom told the entire family a while back. Sadly this weekend doesn’t end on good news as there’s more family drama. The immaturity doesn’t leave you when you grow older, some people stay like that. Gossiping aunties are the worst, and drama of the past should stay in the past, especially when it’s 30 years late. I can feel the tension in my family, and I feel something ominous looming in the background. Who needs Asian dramas when you have my life. Hopefully I’m wrong, but my gut feeling is usually never right. All in all though, I wish I was home instead of here. Family is something I hold near my heart.

     

  6. Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

    At the current state, I’m single—kinda wish I wasn’t. Honestly being single isn’t bad; I’ve been single everyday for the past 20 years. It wasn’t until this year have I finally found the elusive concept of “love.”

    “That thing, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift, and you wanna laugh, and you wanna cry… ‘cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it’ll go away all at the same time.”

    Those feelings of being with someone are more amazing than I thought: all your feelings of loneliness disappear in the company of that special person. Your heart races with sheer joy, a euphoria I can’t explain. When you have it, you just want to cling to it cause you’re afraid it won’t happen a second time. That period after you’ve broken up and you become single once again hurts the most because all you can think about is that other person, wondering where it all went wrong, and how things could have went differently. It feels like that missing puzzle piece that was supposed to complete you is ripped out or that half of you is missing. So I guess that’s where I’m at right now in my “single” life: the recovery period with 2 months in. I’m the fool that falls hard because I always put all my cards in cause I’m a helpless romantic; I’ve dreamed of falling in love and sharing this intoxicating amount of “love” I have within me with someone special.

     

  7. Acceptance

    For the longest time, I knew I was “different.” In a sense, I knew since 2nd grade that I was gay; I didn’t know what to call it till later. I hid that knowledge about me throughout entire grade school because I was confused and scared. It wasn’t until high school the problems started surfacing: girls liked me but I didn’t feel my heart race and the fact that people would ask me if I was gay. I didn’t finally accept this fact about me till first semester of college. When I finally told my parents, they were very against it and ignorant of facts—stuck in the old world of Filipino Catholic culture. It didn’t help that I told them I was bisexual at that moment, but it was a transitional stage because I couldn’t fully accept it yet—even now I still have doubts. During these past 3 years, I’ve went through a lot in trying to discover myself—learning to be happy. Although I’m not fully comfortable being gay (I hate that word), I do acknowledge it. It’s a piece of who I am. It’s not me, but a piece of the puzzle that makes me. Even though people think I’m really open about it, I’m not. I’m still scared to hold hands in public and be around a lot of people because there’s always gonna be disapproval. I’m still learning to be comfortable with this aspect of me. A random conversation I had with a priest at Starbucks told me God’s love knows no bounds and has a pathway for “everyone”. In the end, he told me to never let it define who I am as a person, and I don’t. When friends see me, they know me as Rj: the honest, loyal, funny, awkward, quirky, sorta-hipsterish kid…never ever the gay kid…and that’s the way I like it. Being gay is just like saying I’m tan or have brown eyes; I’m not going to outright tell you anything that seems unnecessary unless it seems relevant. Today was the day though that my mom finally said she accepted me for me, “You can’t help it, it’s who you are.” She no longer believes I choose to be this way and just wants me to be happy. I asked her if one day she’d want to meet my future boyfriend and she said, “Maybe, I’m not ready for that yet.” Baby steps. I’m happy that there’s been progress, and she finally accepts me for me since I haven’t changed. I’m still the same Rj 20 years ago. I can finally trudge forward in the pursuit of happiness with a chip off my shoulder.

     

  8. "It’s funny; we’re so close now, yet I feel more distant compared to how we used to be—even though I was miles away from you."
     

  9. The Road to Happiness Session 1

    Today was my first therapeutic/psychiatric appointment or well, this was an in-take. My big was there to support me like she has been since I revealed to her basically all my layers—thanks alcohol -___-  I’ve never shown anyone my true self because I keep things to myself and so people don’t worry about me but also the fact that I know others have it worse than me so I can’t complain. I was nervous going in because it’s not an easy thing for me to talk about. My doctor-in-training’s name is Kelly—she’s nice. Basically I spilled everything to her: my entire life story, my analysis of who I am, and the deep depression and pain I’ve been suffering from (I’ll leave the nitty gritty stuff to the people who know), all in an hour. My eyes were watery talking about all these sensitive things, but it was also relieving sharing this burden I have and someone sorta understanding where I’m coming from. I’ve yet to hear her analysis of what she thinks of me. I just want to leave this road to perdition and find tranquility within me and everything around me.

    Next appointment 12/11/12 at 2PM

     

  10. Sometimes I wonder if I am pansexual. I know I like guys for sure, but then there are times that I feel like I like girls too. Looks are a factor, but personality is the biggest thing I seek. I have schoolboy crushes—this weird fuzzy feeling in my stomach—on girls now and then, but I don’t think anything is capable of coming out of a relationship with a girl. There’s a lack of physical connection. I’ve had these feelings for a couple of girls, but I never went through with it because I didn’t want to lead them on and hurt them. I’m a little bi-curious to say the least. I kind of want to know what it’s like to be on the other side. So confusing. Maybe then I could put all these inhibitions to rest.